Satire
White House “arrest”
October 1ST, 2017
The World’s once most powerful and wealthiest country is facing trying days. The United States Commander-in-Chief has found himself, along with his entire family, confined to the White House grounds for at least the next fiscal year. With the Secret Service gone bankrupt and Federal Government shutdown until lawmakers come to an agreement on the Government’s funding Bill, the security of our leader is in the hands of a few devoted S. Service agents working off the clock for food, a White House roof over their heads, and the pride of serving their country.
“He’s no Obama” – replied Secret Service director Randolph Alles, when asked about why his agents didn’t agree to work without pay for the duration of the Shutdown, as S. Service did during the 2013 debit crisis.
Meanwhile, President Trump seems not to feel the pressure, and started the day on Twitter:
And a few minutes later…
Russia openly offers help and support to Trump
October 2nd, 2017
Russia, China, Syria and even North Korea offered to flip the bill together, and pay the U.S. Secret Service to provide security for the President in what they call “a humanitarian effort for the mental well-being of the world.”
The GOP leadership in Congress had to succumb to media pressure and decline the assistance. “Hostile Nations cannot be openly flipping the bill for or Presidency, or so I’ve been told,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan.
Meanwhile, no agreement on the debt ceiling or border wall budget. Shutdown continues due to further division inside the Republican party itself and the White House as the war to bring down House Speaker Ryan became open over his insistence on defending President Trump’s actions. The fierce debate over who will take his place is not allowing any legislative negotiations to proceed.
Sources inform that GOP leadership is refusing to meet with vice president Mike Pence.
Increasing concerns
October 12th, 2017
There are increasing concerns about the President’s mental health. The President of the American Society for Mental Health, Personality Disorders and Paranoia, Dr. Albert Von Knowbetter issued a statement to Congress containing the following:
“It was always my intent to be a role model of ethics and principle. Even though I have immense respect for the Goldwater rule, I do believe it is within my foremost ethical obligation to speak up. The latest pattern of emotional roller-coaster instability in each and of Mr. Trumps tweets, punctuated by hate, then love, then hate and anger again, are trademarks of an unstable manic state and represent a grave concern for any human being. HE HAS THE CODES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!”
There was no shortage of mental health professionals available to echo Mr. Knowbetter words. Democratic lawmakers have initiated another attempt to draft articles of impeachment based on the letter, but it it is unlikely to go any further, again. We could not identify the current House Speaker after Paul Ryan’s reluctant resignation, so no official comments from the House of Representatives.
North Korea’s leader tries to lower tensions
October 19th, 2017
Kim Jong-un releases a statement asking the United States to “Chill.” The message was sent to the White House via the North Korean Foreign Minister, and read.
“We are two awesome, great leaders playing bully like great leaders do. You were all Putin this, Putin that, I got hurt. Didn’t want you to forget me. Let’s not blow-up the planet. I like having people to rule, don’t you? Are we Chill?
PS: Fuck Obama!
Kim Jong-Un – The Supreme”
Just as many Americans started breathing a sigh of relief with this most recent news from North-Korea, Democrats quickly got to Twitter to express their continued concern:
Cheering up the President
October 20th, 2017
In the latest developments, the Trump Foundation has made a massive donation to the White House Maintenance Fund. It allowed the retrofitting of The Oval Office into an office/indoor golf course – with glow in the dark features for late night games. It is part of the effort to help the President cope with staying putt (pun intended) in the White House.
Trump also ordered the tearing down of the bowling alley, one of Obama’s favorites. According to reports, one cabinet member and one Secret Service agent have suffered injuries after being run-over by the President in his golf-cart during the first week of the new Oval golf course.
Diplomatic Incident
October 22nd, 2017
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was sent on an emergency mission to Madagascar, after their Prime Minister was ran over repeatedly by the President in his golf cart, during a State visit to the Oval Indoors Golf Course.
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee presented an official statement on the matter:
“It was a terrible accident caused by the malfunctioning of the golf cart’s parts made in China, The President will not rest until he finds someone to blame and pay for it! MAGA!”
Cabinet members decline to comment the incident. However, two officials, in the room during the event, agreed to be interviewed under the condition of anonymity. “I saw the Madagascar guy try to reach the President’s glass of iced Coke, I think it was by mistake, who knows? Then he was under the cart before we could do anything, I can still hear his bones cracking…”, said the witness.
Another source said: “the more we yelled – ‘Mr. President, Stop!’, the more he would go back and forth. We could hear Mr. Trump scream: ‘Mine! Mine! Biggest popular vote! Erase Obama! America first!’. Witnesses said the one Secret Service agent in the room had a difficult time containing Mr. Trump and getting him away from his golf cart.
A Secret Service agent received attention for collar bone fracture in the same D.C. hospital where the Madagascar’s Prime Minister is being cared for. The Chief-of-State condition has been upgraded to stable as of this afternoon.
President Trump did not sustain any injuries during the incident. However, Vice President Pence is filling in for the Head of State meeting during the next week.
Meanwhile, Congress’s chaos deteriorates even further after Sen. Mitch McConnell announced today he is stepping down from his role as Senate Majority Leader. The GOP has not yet agreed on an appointee for the position of Speaker of the House.
“Let’s not pretend we don’t know what we are talking about here. There’s a lot at stake, so no one is in a hurry. Especially not until the next fiscal year or until we have a budget. No one wants to be the next to inherit this mess.” Said Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL), as the Country waits for the resolution of the current Budget Crisis.
Trump Signs the World’s first Nuclear Disarmament Treaty
October 26th, 2017
In an incredible turn of events, President Trump placed his name forever in history and is now a serious contender for the Peace Nobel Prize.
A small ceremony in the White House (shutdown continues) marked the signing of one of the most important agreements in humanity’s History. A total Nuclear Disarmament Treaty, along with a ban on any new nuclear weapon technology, was signed today by leaders of 60 Countries, including U.S, Russia, France, Germany, Israel, Iran, North-Korea, and others.
Ivanka Trump, the President’s daughter and White House advisor is being praised as the mind behind the agreement, and has explained the last days’ developments in an interview with The New York Times:
“It was kind of simple, really. Dad started talking all the time about blowing up the planet so he could leave this shithole, and I understand him, you know. Do you have any idea of what a nightmare it is, having to share the help with Eric, and Junior, and Tiff, and Baron and that mother of his?
So I did what any sensible, successful business women/mother would do: I asked for the bunker plans and blueprints so I could plan ahead, you know. Move some funds around. Improve a little, get some extra space, make sure to allocate some personal space for me. So it wouldn’t be such a dump like here. This White House situation has been quite hard for me personally.
Anyway, I was very disappointed about the presidential bunker. It was too small! I would have to share a room with Jared! And they said there was no room for expansion, no money for even a little lift, none!
So, I reached out to Dad. I said ‘Dad, this nuclear thing is horrible, you would have to share the bedroom with Step Flotus, the dining room with Tiff, it can’t be, look!’
Then he saw it would be even worse than here, and he said ‘No way! Not under my watch, I’m the only one who can stop this!’.
So the generals got all worried about enemies and all, but I talked to the other guys and the gal and turned out they didn’t want it either, they only had it because we had it. I guess their bunkers are even shittier. Who knows?
I think I’m the one who should get the Nobel thingy”.
Well, as they say, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth…
Nations are now working together in building a rocket to send all nuclear warheads to Pluto, “Hopefully, by the time it arrives there, Pluto will not be a planet again.” Explained the director of the project.
Where is Trump?
November 3rd, 2017
Worry grows as the President has not tweeted in over a week. Sources inside the W.H. say there few sights of the President walking erratically with his phone in his hand. His schedule has been clear for the next few days.
“The President is in good physical health. He has been facing some difficult personal moments, and he is taking a ‘mental health week’. We need to recognize the importance of mental health awareness in America.” said Vice-President Mike Pence. He also denied any talks of 25th amendment – “I did not speak to any Congress Leaders about the 25th Amendment. As I said, the President is in excellent physical health.”.
Speaking of Congress, the GOP guaranteed the appointment of a new Speaker by Veteran’s Day. The front runner at the moment is Trey Gowdy, little known Conservative Republican from South Carolina.
Meanwhile, sources in the Department of Justice and the FBI report that Special Investigator Robert Mueller has been facing a new dilemma – who should recieve the long awaited results of his investigation. The U.S. Senate is yet to appoint a new Majority Leader, its Intelligence and Justice Committees have been compromised and temporarily dismantled. Muller did not comment on why he is not considering handing the documents to Vice President Pence.
Vice President Coupe Dismantled
November 8th, 2017
After 12 days of uncertainty or the Nation is about to hear again from its President at any moment. It is uncertain yet if it would be a live press conference or a tweet. While the country needs the reassurance of seeing their leader and hearing his voice, seeing him in his current frazzled state could have a devastating effect on the public.
The White House Communications’ Director, Hope Hicks, has just released a statement to the American People:
“Our Leader has endured trying times and persevered bigly. Betrayal and abandonment will not defeat him. All involved will be brought to Justice. Mike Pence is already under arrest and will pay for his treasonous acts.”
Mike Pence’s plot was discovered when Hope Hicks herself, who can still transit in and out of the W.H. decided to spend the night in. In her statement to the FBI today, she explained: “I felt I had to stay to take better care of Mr. Trump”, who seemed “extremely frustrated.” As Hicks went to charge her mobile phone, she noticed that every single power outlet in the White House had baby proofing outlet covers, which made impossible for the President to recharge his phone.
“I knew right away what was going on. Everyone here knows we keep the grandkids confined in a separate area of the house because this child-safety stuff drives him crazy. I saw him tear down the safety latch on a toilet seat with his bare tinny hands once.” Explained Hicks over the phone to a New York Times reporter. “Pence intended to break him through this severe Twitter Withdraw Syndrom,” says Hope.
A plethora of child safety devices, including outlet covers, were found in Mike Pence’s office. Also footage of him personally installing the covers.
We will report back to you with news from the President as soon as his phone recharges.
The Tweet:
November 8th, 2017
The most awaited tweet in history, the one who is sure to beat every record, allowing President Trump to beat President Obama’s most retweeted tweet, is finally here. It only took three tries:
Orrin Hatch is sworn the 46th President of the United States.
November 9th, 2017
Orrin Hatch, now former Senate’s President Pro Tempore, was sworn in as the 46th United States President just moments ago, during a small private ceremony in the Senate Chambers.
Following the ceremony, President Hatch fired A.G. Sessions and Nominated Robert Mueller as the new U.S. Attorney General. Then the new President announced he was changing his affiliation to the Democratic Pa.. (OK, OK, too far, I’ll leave that out)
Meanwhile, a huge crowd is starting to assemble around the White House. Organizers say they are there to celebrate and to make sure the Trump family won’t flee the Country. Finally, the biggest crowd ever in Washington D.C., waiting for Trump…
…to leave the White House escorted by the FBI for interrogation!
Mind The Hypo 